should I stay or should I go

Today is 100 days for me. Yay me! It’s getting easier, but I know from my previous try at moderation that I can easily get back to drinking daily if I try to have one or two glasses of wine occasionally. Even though I feel stronger, its definitely not been easy. I’m so grateful that I found this online community!

I’m a part of a group of friends that get together once a month. Originally the group started to play a game called bunco. We eventually stopped playing bunco, but continued to get together for food, wine and conversation. I have not been to the group since I quit drinking, mainly because the wine flows and I have not wanted to deal with the temptation, or explain why I am not drinking.Tonight is the meetup, and one of my friends is moving. Tonight’s meetup is at a local wine bar. I am trying to decide whether to go to say goodbye to the friend moving, or to gracefully withdraw from the group. I’ve known some of these ladies since my son was in kindergarten. Is the best decision to realize that this was an activity that was a part of my drinking days and let go, or go with the group and “confess” that I am not drinking?

graduation

Graduation to for my son was yesterday and it was awesome! My son has really struggled emotionally, especially through high school. But, he had a good day and was happy about family members coming for his special a day.

I slept so good last night and woke up this morning with an overwhelming sense of peace. I guess I’ve been more stressed than I realised and so has my son. Ive had so many emotions involving his struggles, especially fear for his future. Also sadness about his social experiences and relationships.

I am so grateful that I stayed sober through out. Drinking really doesn’t help and only makes matters worse. I have a lot of work to do on myself, but I’m happy to be approaching 100 days!

I’m Still Here

There are so many things I on my mind and things to accomplish. Along with finishing my work for the school year, I am planning a small family gathering for my son’s graduation. For the kids at school, how can I make the most of few days with them. I work with middle school students with special needs and they are really awesome! A group of them are moving on to high school next schooI year. Tomorrow is our last day. For the graduation, I have a list of steps to accomplish – plan the food, decorate the table, clean the house, choose an outfit for the graduation. So far I have planned the food and chosen the outfit. Now I have to buy the food, decorate, clean house, cook, and the graduation is at noon day after tomorrow. What will my son enjoy?? Will it make him happy??  I try to tell myself that it doesn’t have to be perfect. I know I need to keep it simple, and for the most part I have. It’s not a big party, the house doesn’t have to be perfect, I’m picking up the barbeque, but making the sides. I want to make the cake from scratch, and make a center piece involving tens and twenties. 🙂

At least I’m still sober. But I need to take time to breathe, relax and continue to take care of myself. I’ve found myself in  more than one situation where it was a really close call as far as drinking. I really thought I might accept a glass of wine, but in a split second declined. as my new friend, Coming Clean, says, “I want to grow old with clarity of thought and serenity.”

Discouraged

I’ve been pretty busy with near graduation activities for my son. Yesterday was the end of lacrosse season banquet, which always honors the Seniors. They put together a beautiful power point set to music of each of the graduates lives from the time they were born until now. All the mom’s made their son a framed collage of pictures playing lacrosse to present to them after the power point. After the team awards, I noticed my son got up and walked out. I assumed that he was going to the restroom. The beautiful power point with all the pictures was shown. I heard comments about each one. The players would guess which player was shown when their baby picture came up. My son’s pictures came up, and I heard his fellow players say his name. It was awesome how it was put together. Finally, I went to the parking lot just to check, and my son’s car was gone. The mom’s got up to present the pictures. The pictures were all in one location and I had to go get the picture that I spent time making for him so that my husband and I could leave. and I told someone that I thought he had left. Then my husband and I just sort of walked out without saying anything more.

This morning, I woke up for work and I’m feeling so sad. This problem with him has been on going. He has walked out on  games if he didn’t feel like he the coach played him enough. Situations at school in the drum line with fellow students that ended in school suspension for him, and resulted in others getting leadership positions that he wanted. ADHD, poor social skills, going to doctors trying to get the right medication, his screaming and carrying on at home over the slightest that any one listening in would see as verbal abuse. The profanity that comes out of his mouth on a daily basis is unbelievable. Anyone would assume that is the way my husband and I must talk at home, but it isn’t. We’ve tried counseling, but he won’t cooperate. He blames his outbursts on my husband and I. This has put a wedge between my husband and I over the years. His band banquet is coming up this weekend. I’m really considering not going. I’m very scared that he isn’t going to be able to stay at college, hold a job, leave home…

I think this is day 57 of sobriety for me. I’ve had days that I knew if I was at home from work, I would get a bottle of wine and just curl up for the day. The only thing that has saved me is reading the blogs, listening to audios while running, getting back to nature as often as possible, keeping my mind off of things by leaving the house, going to bed. I’ve been so tired at night that I can’t think to write anything. I try to stay positive, pray, but I’m very discouraged right now. Sometimes I just want to leave and start a new life somewhere.

Day 30

Okay, I just have to say it. Today is my day 30! I’m thinking wow – it’s already been 30 days! Now I’m not going to dwell on the days anymore, but I’ll probably bring it up again on day 50 and 100, because I do think they are worth mentioning. The day’s done and I’m going to bed now.

me

I am not very good at talking about myself. I’m good at listening and one on one conversation, but larger groups I don’t do so well. Writing about my feelings, my day’s events, or what is really going on with me is hard. I’m trying to figure out how to get the most out of blogging for my growth as a person and for sober success, and to share if someone happens to read what I have to say. I really find it hard to share who I am and because of this, I often feel as if I don’t belong. This mean critic inside my self keeps telling me I have nothing to offer others in their sober journey, that what I have to say is “stupid.” I believe that is why it has been my comfort to sit and drink every night, isolating myself from others. This belief about myself has affected me for as long as I can remember in all areas of my life.

I have a lot of work to do, and I know it will take a long time to work through this. “We invite compassion into our lives when we act compassionately toward ourselves and others, and we feel connected in our lives when we reach out and connect.”(Brene Brown)  Sounds simple but not so much for me. I have to remind myself of this over and over again. Me- I’m practicing compassion toward myself and others and I’m connecting by reaching out to others.