Day three and I woke up early feeling a lot of anxiety.
For years I have had a couple of glasses a wine or a drink a day. Eventually that became 3 glasses and even a bottle. Many days I would tell myself that I wasn’t going to have a drink only to decide it was okay by evening, thinking “I’m not that bad.” Most people I know drink on a regular basis and it seems so acceptable. But, I couldn’t seem to stop drinking daily. Then I would decide to only have one drink or to think that I would only drink on weekends. This didn’t work for me either. By the end of the day my resolve was gone, and I wouldn’t be happy with just one glass of wine. Also, I didn’t want anyone to know that I was drinking every day, so I would find myself frequently drinking alone. My husband gets up very early and goes to bed very early because of his work schedule. So I would wait for him to go to bed. I was so ashamed that I would hide the empty bottles until recycle day, then stuff the bottles in the recycle bin after my husband left for work. I would stop at the store for more, alternating which stores that I went to because I was embarrassed about buying wine every day. I would never buy too much at one time. Then I would sneak the bottle in the house and put it in my hiding place. If I didn’t have any wine, I would sneakily make drinks from my husband’s favorite bourbon and alternate liquor stores to buy more to replace it before he realized that I drank all of his. He doesn’t drink much at all and is happy with one drink so I usually got by with drinking his without his realizing. If he did mention having a drink, I would hurriedly make it for him before he could look at the bottle and see how much was gone. If I went to a gathering where drinks were served, I would drink moderately only to drink more at home afterward.
As I read over what I wrote, I feel rather stupid for thinking moderation would work for me.