Me Without Wine

I woke up at around 4:00 a.m. this morning, feeling depressed. I stayed in bed a while, thinking about so many things, including how isolated I feel and how I could “fix it.”

When I was young I was a happy, giggly, impulsive little girl who enjoyed life. As happens to many people, I was knocked down several notches. The rejection is just too painful. Now I approach people very cautiously, afraid to reveal myself. Writing this blog reflects that because I am cautious about every word I have written down, even though I told myself in the beginning that I was strictly writing this for myself as a sober journal.

I am just trying to make it day to day and figure out why I have come to rely on alcohol, and how not to cave to the urge in the meantime. Hopefully, I can slowly reveal who I am. At 58, it’s time for me to get this right.

I said last week that I was nearly to week two. Today is the day.

Hopefully, more of myself to come.

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11 thoughts on “Me Without Wine”

      1. I didn’t in the beginning. I was going to do this alone.
        Then one day I read Caroline knapps book drinking a love story. And I realized that is was starving myself in sobriety to find a different outlet for my anxiety and distress and that I needed support.

        So I went to a meeting. Very very scary. Like, throwing up scary. But there I heard others talk about loneliness, compulsive behaviour, self hatred. I was not alone, or crazy or broken. I was just lonely and confused.

        I have tried many things. I did go to meetings regularly for a while, but yoga, therapy and online help have been more useful for me.

        But the power of having a 12 step group behind you can’t be denied. I know I can show up any day and they will all support me.

        There is so,etching powerful about just walking into that first meeting. Maybe it was the outward action of acceptance that I needed to believe I had an addiction and I could overcome it.

        Anne

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      2. I think that will definitely be a next step for me if I can’t do it without. In the meantime, I’ve struggled the last two weeks but I haven’t had a drink. And your replies have been very encouraging.

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  1. Good for you. Two weeks is something to be proud of. I hope you celebrate it! I’m pretty new at this but it’s already apparent to me that facing the alcohol beast means facing a lot more than alcohol. Like alcohol is just the lid on a pandora’s box of issues, emotions, personality traits and as one blogger put it, “superpowers,” that we didn’t know we had. Removing the lid, while difficult to the point of seeming impossible, is just the beginning.

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  2. “More of myself to come” YES! It’s crazy how we can live with ourselves for so long and be so clouded with the drink that we don’t really know who we are at all. I am on day 8 and have already learned so much about who I am…truly an act of peeling back an onion. I also look forward to discovering more about me, and more importantly, genuinely getting to love and enjoy me. This post resonated so much with me, thank you! It seems we are on similar days. I fyou need a little more support, Im also beginning to blog at http://venomousvices.blogspot.com. I know this isnt your first attempt, but its the one that will stick. I find it comforting to read the blogs of others. Many that I follow have years of sobriety behind them, it’s also quite reassuring to stumble acros someone who is so close to clean days as I. Good luck and I look forward to following along with you.

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    1. Well said Jill! It is like peeling back the layers of an onion. It’s a process..one that doesn’t happen over night. Yes, I definitely need the support! I did put my email address in to follow your blog.

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