Day 30

Okay, I just have to say it. Today is my day 30! I’m thinking wow – it’s already been 30 days! Now I’m not going to dwell on the days anymore, but I’ll probably bring it up again on day 50 and 100, because I do think they are worth mentioning. The day’s done and I’m going to bed now.

me

I am not very good at talking about myself. I’m good at listening and one on one conversation, but larger groups I don’t do so well. Writing about my feelings, my day’s events, or what is really going on with me is hard. I’m trying to figure out how to get the most out of blogging for my growth as a person and for sober success, and to share if someone happens to read what I have to say. I really find it hard to share who I am and because of this, I often feel as if I don’t belong. This mean critic inside my self keeps telling me I have nothing to offer others in their sober journey, that what I have to say is “stupid.” I believe that is why it has been my comfort to sit and drink every night, isolating myself from others. This belief about myself has affected me for as long as I can remember in all areas of my life.

I have a lot of work to do, and I know it will take a long time to work through this. “We invite compassion into our lives when we act compassionately toward ourselves and others, and we feel connected in our lives when we reach out and connect.”(Brene Brown)  Sounds simple but not so much for me. I have to remind myself of this over and over again. Me- I’m practicing compassion toward myself and others and I’m connecting by reaching out to others.

Two Things

Two things I want to share that I have added to my life to focus on instead of drinking…yoga and essential oils. For now, this has taken up space in my mind instead of thinking about having (or not having) a glass of wine. Don’t get me wrong, the cravings still come, but making positive changes helps me.

I ordered an essential oils kit and I am really enjoying looking at what oils help what. I am ordering roller bottles, buying carrier oils while out shopping, putting scents in my new diffuser to help my family and myself calm down, focus, be happy, etc..

I’m on day 4 of the 30 day yoga challenge. I am working through taking my time, working at my own pace,  not pushing myself to fast, but I am truly looking forward to seeing how I feel after 30 days.

Happy Easter!

Yoga

I’ve started the 30 day yoga challenge (thanks Water Girl NZ) for stress relief. I’ve done yoga off and on but not daily. I feel more relaxed after the workout, but I’ve noticed I am feeling bad during yoga, kind of nauseous and a nauseous headache if that makes sense. Actually today my stomach was kind of upset all day. I’m wondering what is going on in my body and I’m hoping someone experienced with yoga out there can give me some insight into this situation. Is this normal and will it pass? But it may have nothing to do with yoga at all. I’m always trying to analyze if I’ve done something to myself by drinking too much for too long…something toxic in my body, my liver perhaps. I’ve imagined worse!

3 weeks

The weather has been wonderful! I spent a good bit of time outdoors this past weekend… working in the yard, going for a run, sitting on the porch. Any urge to drink I promptly dismissed!

3 weeks sober today and I’m happy to be here!

Me Without Wine

I woke up at around 4:00 a.m. this morning, feeling depressed. I stayed in bed a while, thinking about so many things, including how isolated I feel and how I could “fix it.”

When I was young I was a happy, giggly, impulsive little girl who enjoyed life. As happens to many people, I was knocked down several notches. The rejection is just too painful. Now I approach people very cautiously, afraid to reveal myself. Writing this blog reflects that because I am cautious about every word I have written down, even though I told myself in the beginning that I was strictly writing this for myself as a sober journal.

I am just trying to make it day to day and figure out why I have come to rely on alcohol, and how not to cave to the urge in the meantime. Hopefully, I can slowly reveal who I am. At 58, it’s time for me to get this right.

I said last week that I was nearly to week two. Today is the day.

Hopefully, more of myself to come.